As I have a free morning to myself I have this opp to write a blog for cyberspace to read or not read just so I can get it off my chest.
You see, I just turned 48 and I swear my life is as complicated as when I was 27 when I had small children, a full time job, ending of my first marriage and a new relationship. Oh and throw in the fact that I lost both of my parents at the age of 19. That, my friends, fucked me up for a long time. But I’m good at diverting emotions as needed. I don’t like to cry in front of people, it’s ugly. I mean, I’m ugly when I cry. So I got real good at not wanting to talk too deeply about the tragedy of my loss.
I am a strong woman, or so I convince myself. But really, I am. I’ve tried to maintain stability and support for my family through decades and I know I have done that. It wasn’t easy 20 or so years ago but I did it. Hell, it still isn’t easy! But I can say that as these years pass my children all come back to me and we enjoy each others company. Too many families out there don’t like each other. They can’t wait to get away from each other. The past has demons for most of us. I don’t think there are too many people who have had a perfect past. I know our family had many demons but I am grateful that, for the most part, we have tried to overcome the bad past and embrace the positive future.
So here I am at 48 still looking to the future but I can tell you that the past likes to show it’s ugly little head regularly. I want it to go away. To only be a memory not have it still visit. So I will put on my happy face, not cry in front of my family and look to the future. Ah, my future. This is where the dilemma at present begins…
I am at the selfish part of my life cycle. Or so it appears. You see, I am a vocalist. And I have been with my band for a little over 3 yrs. Things are progressing well and there is a real chance of traveling and performing. We just started working with a promoter.
The problem is this. My husband used to be in the band but was let go. Here you can insert the past demons as a reason. As you may conclude, he is not happy that I am with the band. He says I have his blessing yet we argue over why “I” would still want to be (in) my band leaders band. Well, cause i like what we do. I have passed up many things in my life because I was busy tending to everyone elses needs. And I like the spot light! What the hell is wrong with that? I’m not crying, I’m joyful and I want you to see THAT.
My husband is a good harp player. But——he needs to seek out without me. Now don’t get me wrong. I love playing with him and we are working on a side project together but it is slow moving and since it’s not moving along as quickly as he would like (guitarist problems) I get to hear him bitching about how I don’t want to play with him and that our project will get put on the back burner. You know what I want? I want him to take the reigns and make things happen instead of always needing me to move things along.
I want him to have the confidence in himself to make things happen for him. I love him dearly but I can’t be in control of all the things that I do do and have him get the credit for being “the man”. Ugh:/ That’s the way it works around here. Grant it in our music scene this rule doesn’t necessarily happen. When we perform together or individually we are recognized independently. What I’m saying is that my husband is a follower. And I want him to start leading.
This is starting to sound like a bashing and I need to stop. The point is that I don’t want to be made to feel guilty for singing with someone else other than my mate. We are together but we need to be separate, too.
The story goes that when I was a baby my mother (who was a classically trained vocalist) began performing with the local theater in Baltimore after having 3 children (actually there were 5 pregnancies). I have playbills and newspaper articles boasting her beautiful voice. Well guess what? My father didn’t like that. Now my father was a good man. A kind man. A loving father but I guess my father was not willing to share my mother’s gift with the world. And as the “good” wife she was, she stopped performing. God. She stopped performing:/
So again, I am selfish. I don’t wanna stop to make my husband happy. I need this. My soul needs this. I don’t know how my mother felt about this. I was just a baby. She had another child and we all grew up to be pretty well rounded kids. I had a happy childhood. I just wonder what she would say to answer that question.
So I’ll take it one day at a time. That’s my mantra these days. We’ll see what happens. I leave it in the lap of the Gods.